"Dr." Laura on working moms

So first of all, Dr. Laura can SUCK IT! She's been pretty much anti-single mother as long as I've know of her existence, and she has now released a new book strongly urging all mothers to stay at home.

Titled In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms, the book explains why mothers who work - either by choice or because they feel it’s necessary - are shortchanging their children, and themselves. (insert my first "hey, fuck you!" here.) Some enlightening exerpts from this new body of work:

"My heart hurts for what these women miss and what their children miss from them,” Dr. Laura tells the Wall Street Journal. “No argument, no criticism. My heart just hurts — because when you get those pudgy arms around your neck, and being told you’re someone’s lullaby — the fact that a woman would miss that is so, so sad.”

OMG, really? sad? Yeah, it actually SUCKS Dr. Laura! You think my heart didn't break every single time I had to walk out that door and leave my darling baby? Are you kiddin' me?? Yeah, my heart hurts too for what I had to miss, and quite frankly, you shoving it my face makes it NO better. Pointing out the obvious in such a salacious and condescending manner isn't helpful.

She says that while women may find it financially difficult to stay at home - particularly in these tough economic times - it’s just a matter of setting priorities and making it happen.

Really? So here's my priority: keeping a fucking roof over my head and food on my table you stupid simplistic idiot! Financially difficult? Try welfare! If I don't work, my kid goes hungry, or worse eats a steady diet of McDonalds because that's all i can afford to get her with my food stamps and welfare check. I have no one to fall back on! And with all the recent press around Octo-mom (i know, not exactly an apples to apples comparison but still) I'm sure we all get how *horrible* it is to be a single mother on welfare.

As for what she’d like to tell women who are reluctant to leave the workforce, Dr. Laura says:

“I tell these women to look in their children’s eyes. When your husband comes home, wrap your body around him at the door and look at his eyes. What people need to learn is that it’s not about the drudgery of housework — it’s about being at home for all of those incredible moments that make your life more valuable than the person who replaced you at work. No one can replace mom. Kids who don’t have moms suffer a lifetime.”

Um, hate to break it to ya, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND! I have no one to "wrap my body around" other than my sweet child, which i do from literally the second I pick her up until we snuggle down together at night. Oh yes Laura, I still cosleep with my six year old, which I'm sure you, as a stay at home mom, would be completely disgusted with.

Wait, what's that you say? oh, YOU WENT BACK TO WORK? WTF??!!

"Herself a mom of one, Dr. Laura says that while she did return to work after her son entered school, she arranged her schedule so that she could always be home with her child."

Well lucky you. Seriously? I guess I should have been a doctor because no one else I know is able to make it on a flex schedule. I purposely work at 6:30 am so that I can leave early. Granted, I'm never allowed to leave early enough to meet my child at school, but I still gain at least an extra hour with her by rearranging my schedule.

But wait, again, how did HER son turn out? Let's see... here's a headline:
Monday, May 21, 2007

Dr. Laura's Son Investigated by Army
The soldier son of talk radio relationship counselor Laura Schlessinger is under investigation for a graphic personal Web page that one Army official has called "repulsive." The MySpace page, publicly available until Friday when it disappeared from the Internet, included cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned "My Sweet Little Habib"; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets.

Gee, guess staying at home didn't help your kid after all, now did it? Though I suppose you would counter by pointing out that if you had gone back before he was in school, lord knows he could have turned out to be a murderer! Guess having a doctorate in P.E. (yes, physical education) doesn't actually qualify you to bitch slap us single mamas.

After McCain's daughter calls Coulter 'offensive,' conservative host calls her fat

WARNING: SERIOUS SWEAR WORDS AHEAD.. not for the kiddies!

So by now I'm going to assume you get that I pretty much despise Ann Coulter. Alot of people do, it's really not that hard to dislike someone who's so desperately invested in the politics of hate. (see previous blog...) I also identify myself as a feminist, which means that while I hate Coulter's supposed "politics" I also acknowledge that fact that she's most likely had to morph herself into the thin, whining shell of self she's become as a vehical to make it in a male dominated space. Sort of pathetic, but I get it. But what REALLY pisses me off is when women attack each other not based on any sort of intellectual sparring, but rather on the same exact misogynist bullshit that we've been trying to (openly) erradicate since 2nd wave feminism. I was reading The Raw Story online when I came across the article referenced in the title of this post. Here's a snippet:

"Meghan McCain's recent criticisms of Ann Coulter as "offensive" and "radical" haven't made her any friends among other female conservative pundits who have by turns criticized her weight and her lack of "fixed ideological principles."
Laura Ingraham mocked McCain's weight and called her "just another valley girl gone awry" on her radio show. Pretending to be McCain, Ingraham said in a faux valley girl voice "Ok, I was really hoping that I was going to get that role in the Real World, but then I realized that, well, they don’t like plus-sized models. They only like the women who look a certain way."

WTF IS THAT? Are you kidding me?? First of all, who the f* is Laura Ingraham anyway? And did she forget that she has a fucking vagina?? Hello you stupid, stupid trite(yes trite, not tight)ass bitch! Here we have a young woman putting herself out there in a very honest and authentic way, making a genuine attempt at intelligent political discourse that serves for ONCE not to alienate young Republicans... and the response is not a thoughtful evaluation of her her ideology but rather a tacit evaluation of her dress size? Again, I say, are you f*ing kidding me??? And the faux valley girl voice about made my head explode. Let's just take a step back and deconstruct the underlying message here. No wait, let's let Mehgan do it for us:

" The question remains: Why, after all this time and all the progress feminists have made, is weight still such an issue? And in Laura’s case, why in the world would a woman raise it? Today, taking shots at a woman’s weight has become one of the last frontiers in socially accepted prejudice."

I rest my case.

Another old one!

I found this article I wrote while I was still married to my daughter's father. It's geared towards two earner families, although in my case I have always been the breadwinner. Enjoy!

Is this what Feminism has gotten me? Seriously?

It’s 3:20 am, and like clockwork, my two year old lets out a howl that could wake the dead. Convinced she’s being eaten by wild tigers, I hurl myself out of bed, full tilt into her bedroom. “Mama’s here….mama’s here…” I say softly.
“Hand…..hand…” I hear plaintively back.
Oh. She just wants to hold my hand.
Of course.
No wild tigers.
5am, and the alarm goes off, and I’m out of bed again, to start my day job. But oops, no shower for me today, my daughter has heard me get up, and is devastated at the thought of my leaving. So I hold her and rock her for another half an hour, until she falls back asleep and the nanny arrives, and I finally have a chance to throw my dirty hair up into a ponytail, slap on some ill-colored makeup and run out the door. Oh wait, I have to get the car seat out and bring it in for the nanny. Now I’m late for work, my daughter has woken up again calling for me, and all I can do is rush out the door so that she doesn’t see me, to go to a job that I don’t particularly like, with people who do not understand what working mommies go through, to earn a paycheck we don’t necessarily need, all because it’s now expected that I go to work.
We’ve come a long way baby.
Now I realize, there are many positive things feminism has brought to the table. In the beginning, we had the right philosophy; it was all about choice. We wanted the choice to either stay home, or go to work. We wanted the same earning potential as our male counterparts. We wanted access to power and status, on equal terms. And while some of those things have been granted, (albeit in limited amounts), the “institutionalizing” of the feminist desire for equality has resulted in less choice, and more expectation.
The good news is that the feminist movement has provided the tools for women to demand change; the bad news is that it forgot to provide an alternate male paradigm. Yes, society has moved forward enough to at least provide lip service to equal opportunity, but if you take a look inside most two earner homes, you’ll still find the exact same division of labor that existed before second wave feminism. Most working women still come home, with groceries in hand, and immediately start managing their homes and children. We do not have the luxury of kicking off our shoes, and tuning into the news to get a little “down time” after a hard day at work. Now, we are expected to do it all. And this false notion of actually being able to do it all carries a very heavy price.
Part of the price we pay is the devalued view of motherhood. Somehow, during the fervor of the contemporary feminist movement, what I call a Cult of Motherhood was created. I’ve seen it on the playgrounds, at mommies groups, at social gatherings. Working mothers think stay at home moms have it so easy, while stay at home moms look at working women like they’re Satan incarnate. Obviously this is a broad generalization; there are plenty on non judgmental mothers out there. But the larger point is that through the many “choices” we are now offered, a backlash against mothering as a whole has emerged. Mothering is no longer seen as sacred, as a spiritual journey with a new being. Working mothers get a whopping 12 weeks off (less in some states) with minimal guaranteed job security, and are expected to bounce right back after birth. My boss thought I was insane when I came back to work after the birth of my daughter; little did I know, I was suffering from post partum anxiety and depression. Not to mention, post partum resentment for having to go back to work at all!
And working in a male dominated field, I was of course expected to put in the same amount of overtime as everyone else on the team. As far as management was concerned, there was no difference between working mothers and working fathers. I think my child would disagree.
There is a new movement now, a kind of answer to the expectation of working women. It’s called “opting out”, and many women are doing it.
Well good for you.
I’m sorry, but this is not a way of reclaiming motherhood, but more of a stop gap solution so that mothers can actually do what they really want: BE A MOTHER! For god’s sake, we actually have a term for staying with our children, the most sacred investment we can make? And how self righteous of our society to force mothers to say “I’m opting out”, as if to justify the “sacrifice” they are making, rather than proudly saying, “I am a mother. This is who I am and what I will do.”
Obviously I don’t hold the feminist movement exclusively responsible for the fact that I am now a working mother. And I also realize that there are a myriad of ways to deconstruct my analysis; I’m a middle-class, white, heterosexual woman, which begs criticism from a splintered women’s movement that I am already privileged enough. That’s partly my point. I don’t need to be part of the most oppressed demographic to say that the feminist movement hasn’t been all its cracked up to be. Am I glad women do have more options today? Of course. Am I glad I don’t have a boss that slaps me on the ass every day? Sure. But did I sign up to be superwoman, to meet the new millennium expectation of doing it all? Hell no! And still, I get out of bed at 5am to go to an uninspiring job, pay $20,000 in childcare so my daughter can miss me all day, and wrack myself with guilt for being away from home, because that is what is expected of me. Until the feminist movement can truly elevate motherhood back to its proper place, as sacred institution, and sincerely embrace a woman’s choice to be with her children, women will continue to be expected to do it all. And eventually, we will burn out.

You just knew this would get political, didn't you?

Hilary Clinton made a splash in today's newspapers when she brought her blunt candor to Asia in her first trip as the Secretary of State. She questioned the efficacy of sanctions against the repressive junta in Burma, spoke openly about a possible succession crisis in North Korea and admitted that she expected to make little progress on human rights in China. Now that pissed off the human rights workers because they feel like she was basically throwing her arms up and saying, "well, I can try but it ain't gonna work!" And guess what? She's probably right. I get that it's important to keep putting pressure on countries who continually violate human rights (wait, didn't our last president sanction torture? but i digress...) but by the same token, I think her straightforward, clear speak may serve to enhance rather than undermine policy.

There's just one problem. While I wholeheartedly support her lack of obfuscation and political jawboning, there's a cultural difference that may not be working in her favor. We already know China is notorious for female infanticide, so her chances of being fully efficacious are already somewhat limited. In addition, David Shambaugh, director of Asian policy studies at George Washington University points out that it's not so much what the subject matter is, it's how it's presented:
"Foreigners generally get much further when they do it in quiet rather than in public, when it is framed in a nonconfrontational way, and explained in terms of being in China's best interests."

So, what do you think? Should Hilary tell it like it is or should she modify her tone based on cultural rules of engagement? Do you think it's more important to tell the naked truth, or to soften it to achieve your objectives? hmmmm....

The Girl Effect

Amazing.

Salma Hayek Shares Her Breast Milk... YAY!!!

"I'm like an alcoholic. It's like, I don't care if I cry, I don't care if I'm fat, I'm just gonna do it for one more week, one more month, and then, when I see how much good it is doing her, I can't stop. It's a very powerful thing you know."
Salma Hayek

The news that Salma Hayek actually (gasp!) breastfed a sick baby in Sierra Leone while visiting in her capacity as UNICEF ambassador has caused quite a stir. Some women responded very positively, seeing her generosity for what it was, while others called her disloyal to her daughter (huh?) or simply said what she did was "so wrong."
But why does America care? It's my belief that we have a pervasive cultural misunderstanding that breastfeeding is somehow a sexual act, and that nursing another woman's child is akin to cheating on a lover. THis is a massive mistake and a huge disservice to babies. Interestingly, in many African cultures, it is not just a nice thing to do, it's expected -- although it's mostly within families. Anybody who is able to lactate and who does not feed a crying child is considered not doing the right thing. How different from our perspective! We seem to forget that nursing is within the natural order, we're literally built for it. And, our foremothers certainly employed the help of wet nurses if they were unable to produce enough for their babies.
So the question is, if you had the opportunity and the means, would you offer your milk to a starving baby? I would in a NY minute!

And now, why I HATE this woman

Ahhh yes, the always lovely and engaging Ann Coulter. For those of you out there who may have been blissfully sheltered from this screaming sea hag, here's a little info on some of the more, uh, slanderous things she's uttered. Oh wait! everything this woman says is slanderous!!

Just to give you an idea, here's the catchy headline from a recent news story:

Ann Coulter Blames Single Moms for Rape, Murder

Wow, how awesome is that for us single working mamas? But wait, there's more:

Coulter was promoting her newest book, "Guilty: Liberal "Victims" and Their Assault on America," when, during an interview with Matt Lauer, she blamed the majority of society's ills on single mothers. She claims that the "liberal media" exalts the single mom, despite the fact that -- her words, not mine -- most teenage mothers, runaways, murderers and rapists can be traced back to them. Later in her visit she told Kathie Lee Gifford and Hoda Kotb that 9/11 widows "advance" socially and financially using their "victimhood as a shield."I happened to catch the interview as it aired, and watched as Coulter crossed and uncrossed her boot-clad calves and tossed the blond mane that makes her the Hottie of Hotheads. As I watched her lean forward and raise one eyebrow all the while blaming women -- her own gender -- for the downfall of society, I wondered just what could motivate such a viperous display of bile. Is she just saying these things to stir up publicity for her ridiculous tome, or is it a case of Histrionic Personality Disorder? I mean, what kind of person do you have to be to make Kathie Lee Gifford look totally disgusted? Or hey, maybe she has one of those satanic single moms. That might explain the whole thing.I have to hand it to her. If she was looking to cause outrage, she did a good job.

What NOT to do after a divorce

Or, how to BE like Demi, Ashton, and Bruce.

Your marriage is breaking up. You're in shock, you see the life you thought you would have disintigrate in front of your eyes, and you feel like you haven't been loved in years. You're left reeling, wondering what you could have done differently, how this will impact the kids, and then all the logistics of who gets what, including which friends you keep. I know. I've been there. It sucks ass.

And this, my dear fabulous women, is exactly the time you are most vulnerable, and most likely to make the fatal mistake of rebounding. I want you to stop right now and listen: DO NOT REBOUND!!! And again, I tell you this from experience. By the time I'd worked up the courage to get a divorce from my daughter's father, it had been a good three years of a loveless marriage. I had no idea this would ever happen to me, and I took all the precautions I could to ensure that this was the right lifelong partner for me. I was very upfront about who I am; he and I were best friends for over a year before we even started dating, at HIS insistance by the way, we even lived together against my better judgement because he said he wanted to be sure we could actually cohabitate together. I was clear about wanting children, and he agreed that "someday" he would want them too. My point is that even if you take all the right precautions, follow all the right "steps", you can still get blindsided.

So where does this leave you? lonely, that's where. In order to mitigate the rebound phenom, I've put together a short list of questions you need to ask to know if you're about to enter into an authentic relationship.

First and foremost, for me anyway: Do you have a 401K plan? seriously! i mean, hell, I've got a plan for the future and I'm not willing to support anyone else besides my child. So why the hell would I hook up with someone who hasn't bothered to care about planning?

2. If said potential partner has a child or children, observe very closely their relationship. Is it good? Does he call them often, keep in touch? Is he civil to his baby mama, especially in front of the kids? Does he pay child support or is he in arrears? (a sneaky way to find out about child support: propose a trip to Canada, or anywhere else he might need a passport. If he doesn't have one, and he applies and gets denied, it's probably because he's in arrears. That's how i found out. Nice, eh? ) Honestly ladies, if he can't take care of his own, how the hell do you expect him to take care of YOURS?

3. Back to the bank account: soooo, any weirdness with taxes? Again, I had to find this out the hard way. I was so swept off my feet by this "knight in shining armor" I didn't even bother to look at his financial history. Ask him about past jobs, look him up on Linked In, Google him, find him on my space or facebook... in my case, my rebound man explained his many business failures as "unfair"... and that he was "just started to get some success when ...." a layoff, downsize, whatever. A BIG red flag for the 35 plus crowd: has he ever owned a house? Seriously, if not, you might want to catagorize that one as a red flag.

4. Does he include your baby daddy, or try to push him away? Now not all of us are as lucky as I am, to have a baby daddy that I get along with very well now. As mothers, of course we want the perfect childhood for our children, so by the time we're done berating ourselves for getting out of a miserable marriage, of course we try to make it as pallatable for the children as possible. Does rebound boy support this? If not, tell him to fuck off fast. Seriously. You should have a ZERO tolerance approach for anyone who A. tells you how to parent or criticizes your parenting, or B. tells you how to manage your relationship with your ex, or C. does not support having blended celebrations with your baby daddy. You need to tell rebound boy to grow the hell up and get over it. Reference Demi, Ashton and Bruce. Really. LOVE them!

Why I love Kimmora Lee Simmons

I will admit, it's not everyday I get to hang out on my couch watching tabloid TV. Yesterday was one of those days, and I got to watch another fabulous single mogel mama in action. Now I admit, she's completely over the top when it comes to how she treats the folks who work for her, but I love the philosophy that she can do it all.... in stilettos! Heeeellll ya sista! She's a working mother, the CEO of Baby Phat, and a truly devoted mother. The woman is a diva driven to succeed, but still is very present for her children. Yes, I realize she's got a staff, but my point is that you do not have to wither like an old leaf as a single mom... you CAN be fabulous!!!!
And speaking of fabulous, look at the always amazing Gwen Stefani with Kingston at her runway event:

LOVE HER!! I'm also very heartened to see Gwen with baby Zuma in a sling.

https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEifWKmNlltApMtABiG19JrW-WlDvCeG73AIcwT5EWjbipC6Qtrv8XMMsPYcUXnrHvrDfBmGoNGmFuJDraF1d6WwOmIk_OtiDSeCp7mFD2Idvtp7xRQrGS0HWisxPbmf5pTDVCrmrrZJ7Pzm/s1600-h/gwen-020509-d.jpg

Complicated?!

Hathor the Cowgoddess is absolutely my hero! For those of you unfamiliar with her work, here's a quick bio:
Hathor lives in the middle of urban sprawl with her dearest super-husband and three wee and wise kids. She has had an unassisted birth in the middle of her 700 square foot apartment, she breastfeeds on demand and in public, she shares sleep, maintains constant contact and unschools. Not only does she do all of this, she does it with grand style and verve. With extravagant and outrageous behavior. And with her trusty sidekick baby in a sling.

So, now let's add ATTACHMENT PARENT into the mix, and try and balance that with working! HA! yep, welcome to my life....this comic is near and dear to my heart!
http://www.thecowgoddess.com/category/comics/save-the-world/page/30/

Forbes.com for working mothers

So to dovetail off of my last post, I found this article on ABC News.com:
Finding the Best Jobs for Single Moms
Careers in Sales, Public Relations, Health and Real Estate Offer Valuable Flexibility
http://abcnews.go.com/Business/PersonalFinance/Story?id=4291788&page=1

When it comes to being a single mother, the two most important characteristics of a job are flexibility and salary. And while those elements are found on a company by company basis, there are certain industries that lend themselves to being more flexible than others.

The most flexible professions include sales, public relations, health care and real estate. As an added bonus, employees who work in those fields have the potential to make decent salaries. Education is also on the list. Although the hours are set, they're likely to be the same as their school-age children's.

Of course not all companies in those professions are ideal for single parents. That's why single moms must do their research to find out how family friendly their potential employer is. Among the characteristics they should look for (aside from the ability to control their own schedule) are flex time, job sharing and on-site child care.

One place to start is Working Mother magazine's annual list of 100 best companies for working mothers.
From there, moms shouldn't be shy during the interview process. There are ways to tactfully learn if their potential employer allows its staff to work from home and adjust their schedule according to their child care needs. Of course it can't be the first thing asked in a job interview. But it is reasonable during the second or third meeting to say things like: Tell me what it's like to work here; how do you find working here personally?; tell me about the opportunities to make use of here in terms of flexible environment.

Another way to learn about family friendliness is to ask if there are any affinity groups, says Jennifer Owens, an editor for Working Mother. Those are groups of employees that meet regularly on specific topics. For instance, many companies have working parent's affinity groups or parents of special needs children.

Much of this depends on where a single mother is in her career. For instance, Margy Sweeney's two daughters were 2 and 5 when she got divorced. Sweeney was age 29 and still wanted to explore different careers. She was a marketing manager at a real estate firm and wasn't convinced she wanted to do it forever. It became clear when her boss yelled at her for coming into the office at 9:15 a.m. after staying up until 4 a.m. to finish a presentation. It was particularly frustrating because she left the office at 5 p.m. the previous day to pick up her children from school. She continued to work on the presentation after they went to bed so she could meet her deadline.

"A single mother should look at a company and say, 'Do they appreciate the work I do outside of regular working hours?,' " says Sweeney, who, since then, worked as a freelance writer and is now happily settled in her job as a PR professional in Chicago. In other words, find out if they're results-oriented or if they simply want employees at their desks.

Some jobs, like nursing, require employees to be on-site. But there are lots of shift options so they can work while the kids are at school--or sleeping. The average national salary of a registered nurse is $49,534, according to CareerBuilder.com. Another well paying and flexible job in health care is physical therapy. They set their hours according to patient need, and there are many offices that allow them to work part-time. Their average national salary is $53,508.

Still, single parents need to prioritize their needs. Companies that provide the most flexibility don't necessarily offer the highest salaries. Think medical transcription. They listen to dictated recordings from doctors and transcribe them into medical reports. The upside is they can work from anywhere; the downside is they often make less than $30,000, according to data from CareerBuilder.com.

It's a balancing act--something single parents are very familiar with.

STRATEGERY!!!

Ok, so if you're a single working mother reading this, you don't need me to tell you that it's tricky trying to make it all come together. But no worries, I'm here to tell you that you absolutely can navigate the corporate waters, carry a diaper bag and wear stilletto's all at the same time if that's what you want! Rather than tell you what to do, however, I think my little nugget of strategery would be more along the lines of what not to do.
Let's get one thing straight. Once you have a baby, there will be a period of time where you lose your fucking mind. The problem is, there's no telling how long that lasts, and when it spills over into work after your maternity leave it is awesome, let me tell you. As you can see from the last post, I was still rather, uh, post-partem. First order of business: GO SEE YOUR DOCTOR. If I had gone to my doctor earlier it's possible of would have snapped out of my funk, which was affecting my work life. I was extremely irritable, plus really resentful of having to be the one to work, so it all added up to the rant below. NOT a good get-ahead strategy!
Once I had been back to work for a few years after giving birth, I learned that it's really important to talk to your boss about what you can do, and what your limitations are. This holds true if you're a single mom in a job or looking for a new job. Here's some advice that was passed along to me: make sure you give something in return for each "get". For instance, if you want flex time, or job sharing, make sure to emphasize times when you may be able to put in a little extra. I happen to be very lucky and have a terrific parenting partner in my ex husband, so we were able to create a parenting plan that would give me a chance to stay late at work or come in early a few days a week. So if I ever do need to miss a meeting, I've already created a great work ethic and it's not a problem.
Can you sense the difference in power here? I was angry and resentful and kind of felt like a victim, and it showed at work. Of course I wouldn't get any more responsibility! But once I learned to come armed with a plan, and present a solution that was thoughtful and delivered with confidence, it changed my manager's perception of me. I think the most important part of this lesson for me was to become empowered with a self-defined solution. Considering you never know when you're going to work with spit up on your shirt, or a binkie in your pocket, you might as well control some part of your destiny!