Thursday, October 29, 2015

Adventures in SkyDiving



What is the hardest thing you have ever done?

(sooo many choices for me here)


Now, let’s see… for sure one of the hardest things I’ve ever done is jump out of a plane. And truly, I most likely would have chickened out had someone not been literally attached to my backside and thrown me out. Yes, I paid actual money for this experience.

For those of you who haven’t gone skydiving, let me just paint the picture for you. You arrive and go through a relatively fast training, where the instructions are basically like, “Free fall into the flight position”.  Personally, I thought there could have been a little more meat to the training, but apparently they’re “agile”. We all got leather helmets (I’m still not sure why) that looked like something a 1920’s fighter pilot would wear. Except I had no access to things that fire projectile rockets, so that kind of took the fun out of it. 

We all got jumpsuits. Mine was neon purple, and with the helmet made me look like Tinky Winky pretending to be an actual bullet. Once we reached our cruising altitude, a giant hole in the side of the plane magically appeared, and people starting jumping. I was the third to go, and for some reason the instructor strapped to my back decided I should sit on the edge of the opening with my body dangling outside of the plane.  This disturbed me greatly.

And even though I sometimes bend the rules,  I have a pretty strict policy about doing exactly what I’m told in most new learning situations. So instead of trying to grab onto the side of the plane I just kind of whimpered and peed a little bit, and the next thing I knew I was falling out of the sky with the intensity of a dateless cheerleader a week before prom. 
Which is pretty intense.

Should you choose to do this activity, please know that you will NOT be able to breathe normally. Or at all for about the first 10 seconds. After the hypoxia sets in though, it’s really pretty cool. You should totally do it. Did I sell it? 





Our Million Dollar Idea!



Me: OMG we don’t have any wine!! WTF??!!

Scott: What?.... How?...... why?.......how?????
That’s it, we need a vineyard.

Me: I KNOW RIGHT?!! I just hit my FB community to see if anyone would bring me a bottle. (I really did) And I’m tagging you.

Scott: Isn’t there some sort of vino take out place?

Me: Dude! That’s our million dollar idea!!

Scott: Right?! Dial-a-booze? Phone-a-bottle? Text-a-tankard?

Me: HAHAHAHHA! Select-a-sommelier?

Scott: Liquor is quicker… when you have it delivered? I’m not sure who we would hire as drivers though. Mormons?

Me: THIS BUSINESS PLAN BUILDS ITSELF!!



Friday, April 18, 2014

Clever conversations

I must say, I have few friends I enjoy as much as my clever, witty and uber intelligent friend Victoria. And it's not often that I actually have a chance to be clever and witty back-- at least witty enough to get an appreciative chuckle. So, imagine my delight at the response I received from the following email conversation:
 
Victoria:

.........Dreamt about you last night. Why were you flying to Antartica: please explain.


Me:


Antarctica, eh? Well, I wasn't going to reveal this quite yet but I actually have a secret seed storage attached to a network of
Tungsten-coated igloos in case the end times come. Each igloo is fully loaded with subterranean panic rooms and rice cookers. Because, you know, you could always cook a seed in a rice cooker. Also there's parrot bodyguards because, much like the MockingJay in the Hunger Games, parrots can say anything so intruders could be easily distracted whilst we flee to our respective panic rooms. But no cats, because cats typically don't care about my joy, and that is a very important component of survival.
 
I think the recent Blood Moon must have channeled my secret psychically to you, but only after I took multiple homeopathic remedies. They must have opened me up, psychically, that is.
 
Understand now?
 
Victoria:
 
HAHAHAHAHA! You are killing me! Tungsten…seed storage…parrots…cats/joy…….HOMEOPATHY!!

Friday, February 1, 2013

Conversations with S.


Scott is the love of my life, my fiance, and probably the most amazing man on the face of the earth. And while most of you know who I'm talking about, I still feel the need to protect the innocent, which clearly does not include me. And in case you didn't connect the dots, dear readers, (of whom there are none), I will soon cease to carry the hammer torch of single mama-hood.

But I digress.

The following is a mostly true recounting of an actual text between the the two of us:

me: 911!!!

s: what?! are you OK honey??do i need to come get you??

me: no, maybe, I don't know.. I'm in trouble and i need your advice

s: of course honey, what is it?

me: courtesy flush or fecal mist? seriously, i don't know what to do!!

long pause........

s: seriously honey? this is what you used the 911 text for??

me: YES! what else would i use it for?

s. oh i don't know, maybe an actual emergency??

me: i don't think you understand. i could either hide here in this stall and die of embarrassment or i could do my neighbor a solid (no pun intended) and courtesy flush, which would then leave me vulnerable to a number of diseases including but not limited to the hantavirus!!

Another long pause

s: honey, first of all, hantavirus is from rodents, not people. second, you actually pulled me out of a full mouth extraction after i FINALLY got to do a surgery with Dr. Anderson... for this?

me: clearly you've NEVER been in this situation.


And thankfully most of the conversation ended there, but seriously, this is a real concern!And while maybe it didn't all go down quite that way, you get the idea.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

"Dr." Laura on working moms



So first of all, Dr. Laura can SUCK IT! She's been pretty much anti-single mother as long as I've know of her existence, and she has now released a new book strongly urging all mothers to stay at home.

Titled In Praise of Stay-at-Home-Moms, the book explains why mothers who work - either by choice or because they feel it’s necessary - are shortchanging their children, and themselves. (insert my first "hey, fuck you!" here.) Some enlightening exerpts from this new body of work:

"My heart hurts for what these women miss and what their children miss from them,” Dr. Laura tells the Wall Street Journal. “No argument, no criticism. My heart just hurts — because when you get those pudgy arms around your neck, and being told you’re someone’s lullaby — the fact that a woman would miss that is so, so sad.”

OMG, really? sad? Yeah, it actually SUCKS Dr. Laura! You think my heart didn't break every single time I had to walk out that door and leave my darling baby? Are you kiddin' me?? Yeah, my heart hurts too for what I had to miss, and quite frankly, you shoving it my face makes it NO better. Pointing out the obvious in such a salacious and condescending manner isn't helpful.

She says that while women may find it financially difficult to stay at home - particularly in these tough economic times - it’s just a matter of setting priorities and making it happen.

Really? So here's my priority: keeping a fucking roof over my head and food on my table you stupid simplistic idiot! Financially difficult? Try welfare! If I don't work, my kid goes hungry, or worse eats a steady diet of McDonalds because that's all i can afford to get her with my food stamps and welfare check. I have no one to fall back on! And with all the recent press around Octo-mom (i know, not exactly an apples to apples comparison but still) I'm sure we all get how *horrible* it is to be a single mother on welfare.

As for what she’d like to tell women who are reluctant to leave the workforce, Dr. Laura says:

“I tell these women to look in their children’s eyes. When your husband comes home, wrap your body around him at the door and look at his eyes. What people need to learn is that it’s not about the drudgery of housework — it’s about being at home for all of those incredible moments that make your life more valuable than the person who replaced you at work. No one can replace mom. Kids who don’t have moms suffer a lifetime.”

Um, hate to break it to ya, I DON'T HAVE A HUSBAND! I have no one to "wrap my body around" other than my sweet child, which i do from literally the second I pick her up until we snuggle down together at night. Oh yes Laura, I still cosleep with my six year old, which I'm sure you, as a stay at home mom, would be completely disgusted with.

Wait, what's that you say? oh, YOU WENT BACK TO WORK? WTF??!!

"Herself a mom of one, Dr. Laura says that while she did return to work after her son entered school, she arranged her schedule so that she could always be home with her child."

Well lucky you. Seriously? I guess I should have been a doctor because no one else I know is able to make it on a flex schedule. I purposely work at 6:30 am so that I can leave early. Granted, I'm never allowed to leave early enough to meet my child at school, but I still gain at least an extra hour with her by rearranging my schedule.

But wait, again, how did HER son turn out? Let's see... here's a headline:
Monday, May 21, 2007

Dr. Laura's Son Investigated by Army
The soldier son of talk radio relationship counselor Laura Schlessinger is under investigation for a graphic personal Web page that one Army official has called "repulsive." The MySpace page, publicly available until Friday when it disappeared from the Internet, included cartoon depictions of rape, murder, torture and child molestation; photographs of soldiers with guns in their mouths; a photograph of a bound and blindfolded detainee captioned "My Sweet Little Habib"; accounts of illicit drug use; and a blog entry headlined by a series of obscenities and racial epithets.

Gee, guess staying at home didn't help your kid after all, now did it? Though I suppose you would counter by pointing out that if you had gone back before he was in school, lord knows he could have turned out to be a murderer! Guess having a doctorate in P.E. (yes, physical education) doesn't actually qualify you to bitch slap us single mamas.

Monday, March 16, 2009

After McCain's daughter calls Coulter 'offensive,' conservative host calls her fat



WARNING: SERIOUS SWEAR WORDS AHEAD.. not for the kiddies!

So by now I'm going to assume you get that I pretty much despise Ann Coulter. Alot of people do, it's really not that hard to dislike someone who's so desperately invested in the politics of hate. (see previous blog...) I also identify myself as a feminist, which means that while I hate Coulter's supposed "politics" I also acknowledge that fact that she's most likely had to morph herself into the thin, whining shell of self she's become as a vehical to make it in a male dominated space. Sort of pathetic, but I get it. But what REALLY pisses me off is when women attack each other not based on any sort of intellectual sparring, but rather on the same exact misogynist bullshit that we've been trying to (openly) erradicate since 2nd wave feminism. I was reading The Raw Story online when I came across the article referenced in the title of this post. Here's a snippet:

"Meghan McCain's recent criticisms of Ann Coulter as "offensive" and "radical" haven't made her any friends among other female conservative pundits who have by turns criticized her weight and her lack of "fixed ideological principles."
Laura Ingraham mocked McCain's weight and called her "just another valley girl gone awry" on her radio show. Pretending to be McCain, Ingraham said in a faux valley girl voice "Ok, I was really hoping that I was going to get that role in the Real World, but then I realized that, well, they don’t like plus-sized models. They only like the women who look a certain way."


WTF IS THAT? Are you kidding me?? First of all, who the f* is Laura Ingraham anyway? And did she forget that she has a fucking vagina?? Hello you stupid, stupid trite(yes trite, not tight)ass bitch! Here we have a young woman putting herself out there in a very honest and authentic way, making a genuine attempt at intelligent political discourse that serves for ONCE not to alienate young Republicans... and the response is not a thoughtful evaluation of her her ideology but rather a tacit evaluation of her dress size? Again, I say, are you f*ing kidding me??? And the faux valley girl voice about made my head explode. Let's just take a step back and deconstruct the underlying message here. No wait, let's let Mehgan do it for us:

" The question remains: Why, after all this time and all the progress feminists have made, is weight still such an issue? And in Laura’s case, why in the world would a woman raise it? Today, taking shots at a woman’s weight has become one of the last frontiers in socially accepted prejudice."

I rest my case.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Another old one!

I found this article I wrote while I was still married to my daughter's father. It's geared towards two earner families, although in my case I have always been the breadwinner. Enjoy!

Is this what Feminism has gotten me? Seriously?

It’s 3:20 am, and like clockwork, my two year old lets out a howl that could wake the dead. Convinced she’s being eaten by wild tigers, I hurl myself out of bed, full tilt into her bedroom. “Mama’s here….mama’s here…” I say softly.
“Hand…..hand…” I hear plaintively back.
Oh. She just wants to hold my hand.
Of course.
No wild tigers.
5am, and the alarm goes off, and I’m out of bed again, to start my day job. But oops, no shower for me today, my daughter has heard me get up, and is devastated at the thought of my leaving. So I hold her and rock her for another half an hour, until she falls back asleep and the nanny arrives, and I finally have a chance to throw my dirty hair up into a ponytail, slap on some ill-colored makeup and run out the door. Oh wait, I have to get the car seat out and bring it in for the nanny. Now I’m late for work, my daughter has woken up again calling for me, and all I can do is rush out the door so that she doesn’t see me, to go to a job that I don’t particularly like, with people who do not understand what working mommies go through, to earn a paycheck we don’t necessarily need, all because it’s now expected that I go to work.
We’ve come a long way baby.
Now I realize, there are many positive things feminism has brought to the table. In the beginning, we had the right philosophy; it was all about choice. We wanted the choice to either stay home, or go to work. We wanted the same earning potential as our male counterparts. We wanted access to power and status, on equal terms. And while some of those things have been granted, (albeit in limited amounts), the “institutionalizing” of the feminist desire for equality has resulted in less choice, and more expectation.
The good news is that the feminist movement has provided the tools for women to demand change; the bad news is that it forgot to provide an alternate male paradigm. Yes, society has moved forward enough to at least provide lip service to equal opportunity, but if you take a look inside most two earner homes, you’ll still find the exact same division of labor that existed before second wave feminism. Most working women still come home, with groceries in hand, and immediately start managing their homes and children. We do not have the luxury of kicking off our shoes, and tuning into the news to get a little “down time” after a hard day at work. Now, we are expected to do it all. And this false notion of actually being able to do it all carries a very heavy price.
Part of the price we pay is the devalued view of motherhood. Somehow, during the fervor of the contemporary feminist movement, what I call a Cult of Motherhood was created. I’ve seen it on the playgrounds, at mommies groups, at social gatherings. Working mothers think stay at home moms have it so easy, while stay at home moms look at working women like they’re Satan incarnate. Obviously this is a broad generalization; there are plenty on non judgmental mothers out there. But the larger point is that through the many “choices” we are now offered, a backlash against mothering as a whole has emerged. Mothering is no longer seen as sacred, as a spiritual journey with a new being. Working mothers get a whopping 12 weeks off (less in some states) with minimal guaranteed job security, and are expected to bounce right back after birth. My boss thought I was insane when I came back to work after the birth of my daughter; little did I know, I was suffering from post partum anxiety and depression. Not to mention, post partum resentment for having to go back to work at all!
And working in a male dominated field, I was of course expected to put in the same amount of overtime as everyone else on the team. As far as management was concerned, there was no difference between working mothers and working fathers. I think my child would disagree.
There is a new movement now, a kind of answer to the expectation of working women. It’s called “opting out”, and many women are doing it.
Well good for you.
I’m sorry, but this is not a way of reclaiming motherhood, but more of a stop gap solution so that mothers can actually do what they really want: BE A MOTHER! For god’s sake, we actually have a term for staying with our children, the most sacred investment we can make? And how self righteous of our society to force mothers to say “I’m opting out”, as if to justify the “sacrifice” they are making, rather than proudly saying, “I am a mother. This is who I am and what I will do.”
Obviously I don’t hold the feminist movement exclusively responsible for the fact that I am now a working mother. And I also realize that there are a myriad of ways to deconstruct my analysis; I’m a middle-class, white, heterosexual woman, which begs criticism from a splintered women’s movement that I am already privileged enough. That’s partly my point. I don’t need to be part of the most oppressed demographic to say that the feminist movement hasn’t been all its cracked up to be. Am I glad women do have more options today? Of course. Am I glad I don’t have a boss that slaps me on the ass every day? Sure. But did I sign up to be superwoman, to meet the new millennium expectation of doing it all? Hell no! And still, I get out of bed at 5am to go to an uninspiring job, pay $20,000 in childcare so my daughter can miss me all day, and wrack myself with guilt for being away from home, because that is what is expected of me. Until the feminist movement can truly elevate motherhood back to its proper place, as sacred institution, and sincerely embrace a woman’s choice to be with her children, women will continue to be expected to do it all. And eventually, we will burn out.