I found this article I wrote while I was still married to my daughter's father. It's geared towards two earner families, although in my case I have always been the breadwinner. Enjoy!
Is this what Feminism has gotten me? Seriously?
It’s 3:20 am, and like clockwork, my two year old lets out a howl that could wake the dead. Convinced she’s being eaten by wild tigers, I hurl myself out of bed, full tilt into her bedroom. “Mama’s here….mama’s here…” I say softly.
“Hand…..hand…” I hear plaintively back.
Oh. She just wants to hold my hand.
Of course.
No wild tigers.
5am, and the alarm goes off, and I’m out of bed again, to start my day job. But oops, no shower for me today, my daughter has heard me get up, and is devastated at the thought of my leaving. So I hold her and rock her for another half an hour, until she falls back asleep and the nanny arrives, and I finally have a chance to throw my dirty hair up into a ponytail, slap on some ill-colored makeup and run out the door. Oh wait, I have to get the car seat out and bring it in for the nanny. Now I’m late for work, my daughter has woken up again calling for me, and all I can do is rush out the door so that she doesn’t see me, to go to a job that I don’t particularly like, with people who do not understand what working mommies go through, to earn a paycheck we don’t necessarily need, all because it’s now expected that I go to work.
We’ve come a long way baby.
Now I realize, there are many positive things feminism has brought to the table. In the beginning, we had the right philosophy; it was all about choice. We wanted the choice to either stay home, or go to work. We wanted the same earning potential as our male counterparts. We wanted access to power and status, on equal terms. And while some of those things have been granted, (albeit in limited amounts), the “institutionalizing” of the feminist desire for equality has resulted in less choice, and more expectation.
The good news is that the feminist movement has provided the tools for women to demand change; the bad news is that it forgot to provide an alternate male paradigm. Yes, society has moved forward enough to at least provide lip service to equal opportunity, but if you take a look inside most two earner homes, you’ll still find the exact same division of labor that existed before second wave feminism. Most working women still come home, with groceries in hand, and immediately start managing their homes and children. We do not have the luxury of kicking off our shoes, and tuning into the news to get a little “down time” after a hard day at work. Now, we are expected to do it all. And this false notion of actually being able to do it all carries a very heavy price.
Part of the price we pay is the devalued view of motherhood. Somehow, during the fervor of the contemporary feminist movement, what I call a Cult of Motherhood was created. I’ve seen it on the playgrounds, at mommies groups, at social gatherings. Working mothers think stay at home moms have it so easy, while stay at home moms look at working women like they’re Satan incarnate. Obviously this is a broad generalization; there are plenty on non judgmental mothers out there. But the larger point is that through the many “choices” we are now offered, a backlash against mothering as a whole has emerged. Mothering is no longer seen as sacred, as a spiritual journey with a new being. Working mothers get a whopping 12 weeks off (less in some states) with minimal guaranteed job security, and are expected to bounce right back after birth. My boss thought I was insane when I came back to work after the birth of my daughter; little did I know, I was suffering from post partum anxiety and depression. Not to mention, post partum resentment for having to go back to work at all!
And working in a male dominated field, I was of course expected to put in the same amount of overtime as everyone else on the team. As far as management was concerned, there was no difference between working mothers and working fathers. I think my child would disagree.
There is a new movement now, a kind of answer to the expectation of working women. It’s called “opting out”, and many women are doing it.
Well good for you.
I’m sorry, but this is not a way of reclaiming motherhood, but more of a stop gap solution so that mothers can actually do what they really want: BE A MOTHER! For god’s sake, we actually have a term for staying with our children, the most sacred investment we can make? And how self righteous of our society to force mothers to say “I’m opting out”, as if to justify the “sacrifice” they are making, rather than proudly saying, “I am a mother. This is who I am and what I will do.”
Obviously I don’t hold the feminist movement exclusively responsible for the fact that I am now a working mother. And I also realize that there are a myriad of ways to deconstruct my analysis; I’m a middle-class, white, heterosexual woman, which begs criticism from a splintered women’s movement that I am already privileged enough. That’s partly my point. I don’t need to be part of the most oppressed demographic to say that the feminist movement hasn’t been all its cracked up to be. Am I glad women do have more options today? Of course. Am I glad I don’t have a boss that slaps me on the ass every day? Sure. But did I sign up to be superwoman, to meet the new millennium expectation of doing it all? Hell no! And still, I get out of bed at 5am to go to an uninspiring job, pay $20,000 in childcare so my daughter can miss me all day, and wrack myself with guilt for being away from home, because that is what is expected of me. Until the feminist movement can truly elevate motherhood back to its proper place, as sacred institution, and sincerely embrace a woman’s choice to be with her children, women will continue to be expected to do it all. And eventually, we will burn out.
